I don't know why, but in the past week I feel like I've turned some kind of corner. I don't feel as hopeless and depressed. Maybe it's because we took our house off the market and now we're working on it. Doing projects that we couldn't do while it was listed.
I still hate my job, but I'm trying to find something else and I know that eventually I will find something else It might take another year, but one day I'll be out of that hellhole.
I've been documenting our projects on the house at my other public blog. Next weekend: painting!
www.nixpartyoftwo.blogspot.com
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
My last post was kind of heavy (ok really heavy), but I just wanted to clarify:
My feelings of inadequacy were coming more from society as a whole rather than my friend. I saw her on Saturday and I discussed all of this with her before publishing that post. So we're good. At least from my perspective. And my statement about how people talk about not knowing true love until becoming a mother - my friend NEVER said anything like that to me.
In other news, I had an interview for a job last Thursday. This job would be ah-maz-ing. I don't want to say too much because I don't want to jinx it. It is based in California, but I could work from home (Alabama). The interview went well and I was told that the next step would be for me to talk to the rest of the team and that they would follow up with me about that. I have no idea when that could be. Interesting tidbit: this company offers insurance with IVF coverage! Not that I'm even considering doing that again....but good to know.
My feelings of inadequacy were coming more from society as a whole rather than my friend. I saw her on Saturday and I discussed all of this with her before publishing that post. So we're good. At least from my perspective. And my statement about how people talk about not knowing true love until becoming a mother - my friend NEVER said anything like that to me.
In other news, I had an interview for a job last Thursday. This job would be ah-maz-ing. I don't want to say too much because I don't want to jinx it. It is based in California, but I could work from home (Alabama). The interview went well and I was told that the next step would be for me to talk to the rest of the team and that they would follow up with me about that. I have no idea when that could be. Interesting tidbit: this company offers insurance with IVF coverage! Not that I'm even considering doing that again....but good to know.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Inadequate
I'm not sure if this post will make much sense so please, bear with me. The fertile world has a way of making the childless among us inadequate. Like we haven't lived because we haven't been able to reproduce. We don't TRULY know what love is.
It's infuriating to hear, but I think it is so hard to hear because I feel that it's true. I AM missing out on something fundamental to human life and there's nothing I can do about it.
I read a friend's blog post today and something she wrote hit me and brought all of these thoughts back to the forefront of my brain. She was talking about her beliefs and how she's gone from a (christian) believer to angry atheist, to agnostic, and now back to some kind of belief although not near what she believed when she was younger.
When describing events in her life that have led her to believe that there is something else out there she wrote this:
Punch to the gut, right there. And I know that she would never write that with the intention of making me feel inferior. She has actually been one of my most supportive if not the most supportive friend after all that we've been through IF-wise. But it still hurts. I still feel like I'm standing on the outside of some elite club.
It might also bother me so much because so often I struggle with believing that there is anything else out there. So many shitty things happen, seemingly for no reason. "Shit happens" seems to be my motto lately. And I'm not just talking about myself and our inability to have children. Children are abused, children die. I just can't find meaning in those things. And this is what separates me from my friend. She became close with someone after her two year old daughter died. She said that after that happened, she couldn't imagine the child just no longer existing and could not believe that one day her mother would not be reunited with her child. I see that same situation and struggle to imagine that there is some greater purpose. And one of the reasons she sees the greater purpose is because of her own children. Something I don't have.
It's infuriating to hear, but I think it is so hard to hear because I feel that it's true. I AM missing out on something fundamental to human life and there's nothing I can do about it.
I read a friend's blog post today and something she wrote hit me and brought all of these thoughts back to the forefront of my brain. She was talking about her beliefs and how she's gone from a (christian) believer to angry atheist, to agnostic, and now back to some kind of belief although not near what she believed when she was younger.
When describing events in her life that have led her to believe that there is something else out there she wrote this:
birth. i don't know how anyone who has had a natural birth can believe that there is nothing greater out there. that this is all random. i say natural birth cause i, personally, didn't have any great revelations while hooked up to a bunch of monitors and beeping machines, surrounded by people in scrubs and white coats poking me with stuff. i felt much further from god actually. anyway, having witnessed many births now and having had 2 natural births of my own, i started to believe that there must be something greater.
Punch to the gut, right there. And I know that she would never write that with the intention of making me feel inferior. She has actually been one of my most supportive if not the most supportive friend after all that we've been through IF-wise. But it still hurts. I still feel like I'm standing on the outside of some elite club.
It might also bother me so much because so often I struggle with believing that there is anything else out there. So many shitty things happen, seemingly for no reason. "Shit happens" seems to be my motto lately. And I'm not just talking about myself and our inability to have children. Children are abused, children die. I just can't find meaning in those things. And this is what separates me from my friend. She became close with someone after her two year old daughter died. She said that after that happened, she couldn't imagine the child just no longer existing and could not believe that one day her mother would not be reunited with her child. I see that same situation and struggle to imagine that there is some greater purpose. And one of the reasons she sees the greater purpose is because of her own children. Something I don't have.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
New Blog!
I made a general blog that I feel comfortable sharing with friends and family. It's here if you care to read along:
Nix Party of Two.
I'm keeping this blog active, but will probably post more general stuff there.
Nix Party of Two.
I'm keeping this blog active, but will probably post more general stuff there.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Good riddance 2010, hello 2011!
It's the first day of 2011 and I am welcoming it with open arms. The last two years have been kind of shitty. This year is a bit different in that we're not currently seeking treatment or doing anything to change our childless status. I have hopes for this year that I didn't have last year. With that in mind, I'm going to fill out this meme that I found from The Road Less Travelled.
1. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I'm not really in the habit of making new year's resolutions. I say it's because I think it's kind of stupid to choose the 1st to do something. If you really want to do it, do it the day you decide to. Or it could be that I'm lazy and don't want to fail in my resolution making.
2. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I didn't really branch out this year. It was a very dull year. Half of it was spent in a haze after the second IVF did not work. I went to work, came home, slept, went back to work. Wash, rinse, repeat.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
This was the year of babies. Births, pregnancy announcements galore. I guess the closest was my nephew being born. I was so worried that Christmas would be awful for me with him being born a few weeks earlier, but it really wasn't that bad.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no.
5. What countries did you visit?
Just the US. We didn't do much traveling this year at all.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
The obvious answer would be a baby, but realistically, that's not going to happen.
7. What date(s) from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?.
Not the specific date, but the month of June was pretty shitty as that was when the second IVF was a bust.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finally going to therapy and starting to work on myself.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmmm, not sure about that one. Being miserable at work I guess? Although I have been trying my hardest to find a new job.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was pretty sick September through November. Got some kind of bacterial infection that got into my chest and aggravated my asthma. It took 4 rounds of antibiotics, 2 rounds of steroids and two different inhaled corticosteroids to get rid of it.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Can't recall, most of our money went to paying off my car.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Again, can't recall.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
No one comes to mind.
14. Where did most of your money go?
To paying off my car. We bought it new in June 2009 and it will be paid off by this April.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
There wasn't much to get excited about this year sadly.
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
There are a few:
Anything by Lady Gaga or Katy Perry as they are both way overplayed on the radio. Hey Soul Sister - Train, If We Ever Meet Again - Timbaland/Katy Perry, Need You Now - Lady Antebellum
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
Happier, fatter, about the same.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Running and exercise in general.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating junk.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
We are still not done with Christmas, believe it or not. We spent Christmas Eve with my dad. Christmas day was when the in-laws came to our house, the day after was when we celebrated with them. Last Tuesday was Christmas with my mom, and then tomorrow we go to see my grandfather to do Christmas with him.
This was the first time in my life that we have ever had snow on Christmas day. Living in the deep south of the US, that just doesn't happen. That was a great memory.
21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
No, but I stayed in love.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Way too many to list them all. We watch a bit too much tv. Here is what I have enjoyed this year: So You Think You Can Dance, The Office, 30 Rock, Weeds, The Tudors, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report among many others.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you did not hate this time last year?
None that I can think of besides my boss, but I didn't really like him all that much last year either.
24. What was the best book you read?
I loved The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. Noah's Wife was also cool, as I got to meet the author at our book club. I also got to meet the author of The Help at a book signing.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I didn't really branch out that much with music this year.
26. What did you want and get?
I didn't want for much this year, but can't think of anything specific.
27. What did you want and not get?
Do I really need to restate the obvious here?
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
We don't really go to the movies. Finally watched The Hangover through Netflix and I enjoyed that. More of a tv show watcher than a movie watcher.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Is it sad that I can't remember? I turned 29. It was right around the time that IVF #2 was beginning so I don't think we did much.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Again, the obvious.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Anything that fits. The second round of IVF did a number on me, both because of the meds, and because of the subsequent depression when it didn't work. I've gained about 20 pounds that I desperately want to lose.
32. What kept you sane?
DH and my therapy sessions. Literally.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I love me some Johnny Depp. Mmmmmm.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The healthcare debate in the United States. I'm still kind of depressed about the state of our healthcare. It is sad that a nation so prosperous can't provide basic care for so many of its citizens. There were times in the past year during the many debates that I just wanted to up and move to Canada or Europe. I would do it in a heartbeat if we had the resources/jobs/money.
35. Who did you miss?
36. Who was the best new person you met?
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
Life is shitty sometimes, with no rhyme or reason.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.I was blessed with a birth and a death, and I guess I just want some say in between. ~Ani Difranco That would be the theme of this year. Realizing I have no control over major areas of my life and trying to come to terms with it.
1. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I'm not really in the habit of making new year's resolutions. I say it's because I think it's kind of stupid to choose the 1st to do something. If you really want to do it, do it the day you decide to. Or it could be that I'm lazy and don't want to fail in my resolution making.
2. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I didn't really branch out this year. It was a very dull year. Half of it was spent in a haze after the second IVF did not work. I went to work, came home, slept, went back to work. Wash, rinse, repeat.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
This was the year of babies. Births, pregnancy announcements galore. I guess the closest was my nephew being born. I was so worried that Christmas would be awful for me with him being born a few weeks earlier, but it really wasn't that bad.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no.
5. What countries did you visit?
Just the US. We didn't do much traveling this year at all.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
The obvious answer would be a baby, but realistically, that's not going to happen.
7. What date(s) from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?.
Not the specific date, but the month of June was pretty shitty as that was when the second IVF was a bust.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finally going to therapy and starting to work on myself.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmmm, not sure about that one. Being miserable at work I guess? Although I have been trying my hardest to find a new job.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was pretty sick September through November. Got some kind of bacterial infection that got into my chest and aggravated my asthma. It took 4 rounds of antibiotics, 2 rounds of steroids and two different inhaled corticosteroids to get rid of it.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Can't recall, most of our money went to paying off my car.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Again, can't recall.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
No one comes to mind.
14. Where did most of your money go?
To paying off my car. We bought it new in June 2009 and it will be paid off by this April.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
There wasn't much to get excited about this year sadly.
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
There are a few:
Anything by Lady Gaga or Katy Perry as they are both way overplayed on the radio. Hey Soul Sister - Train, If We Ever Meet Again - Timbaland/Katy Perry, Need You Now - Lady Antebellum
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
Happier, fatter, about the same.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Running and exercise in general.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating junk.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
We are still not done with Christmas, believe it or not. We spent Christmas Eve with my dad. Christmas day was when the in-laws came to our house, the day after was when we celebrated with them. Last Tuesday was Christmas with my mom, and then tomorrow we go to see my grandfather to do Christmas with him.
This was the first time in my life that we have ever had snow on Christmas day. Living in the deep south of the US, that just doesn't happen. That was a great memory.
21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
No, but I stayed in love.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Way too many to list them all. We watch a bit too much tv. Here is what I have enjoyed this year: So You Think You Can Dance, The Office, 30 Rock, Weeds, The Tudors, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report among many others.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you did not hate this time last year?
None that I can think of besides my boss, but I didn't really like him all that much last year either.
24. What was the best book you read?
I loved The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. Noah's Wife was also cool, as I got to meet the author at our book club. I also got to meet the author of The Help at a book signing.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I didn't really branch out that much with music this year.
26. What did you want and get?
I didn't want for much this year, but can't think of anything specific.
27. What did you want and not get?
Do I really need to restate the obvious here?
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
We don't really go to the movies. Finally watched The Hangover through Netflix and I enjoyed that. More of a tv show watcher than a movie watcher.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Is it sad that I can't remember? I turned 29. It was right around the time that IVF #2 was beginning so I don't think we did much.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Again, the obvious.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Anything that fits. The second round of IVF did a number on me, both because of the meds, and because of the subsequent depression when it didn't work. I've gained about 20 pounds that I desperately want to lose.
32. What kept you sane?
DH and my therapy sessions. Literally.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I love me some Johnny Depp. Mmmmmm.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The healthcare debate in the United States. I'm still kind of depressed about the state of our healthcare. It is sad that a nation so prosperous can't provide basic care for so many of its citizens. There were times in the past year during the many debates that I just wanted to up and move to Canada or Europe. I would do it in a heartbeat if we had the resources/jobs/money.
35. Who did you miss?
36. Who was the best new person you met?
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
Life is shitty sometimes, with no rhyme or reason.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.I was blessed with a birth and a death, and I guess I just want some say in between. ~Ani Difranco That would be the theme of this year. Realizing I have no control over major areas of my life and trying to come to terms with it.
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