When we were filling out all of the paperwork for our agency there was a section where we had to talk about what sort of child we desired. This included things like race, gender, prenatal drug or alcohol use by the birth mother, medical conditions, birth defects, etc. It was hard to go down this long list of different possibilities and decide what we could and couldn't handle.
One sticking point for us was race. At our agency, approximately 1/3 of the babies that come to them are black, 1/3 are bi-racial (black-white) and 1/3 are white. We were told that the wait time for a caucasian baby is 12-18 months. If we were willing to accept any race, the wait time would only be around 6 months. We decided that at this time we are only willing to accept a white baby (both of us are white).
After typing that out my instinct is to hurriedly tell you that we are not racist by any means. There are so many factors that play into our decision and I don't know if I can even verbalize all of them. I've done so much research on trans-racial adoption, on whether or not it hurts the child to not be raised by someone of the same race. In a perfect world it shouldn't matter, but we don't live in a perfect world. So many people have told me that it doesn't matter what color a baby is. They all need love. And yes, that's true. But that baby grows up into a child and then an adult. An individual with thoughts and feelings. Love does not conquer all as some people would like to think. I feel that many people see adoption as this wonderful, warm, fuzzy thing and just gloss over all of the challenges that come with it. You're "saving a child" after all!
Adopting a child out of your race has additional challenges and additional responsibilities (over and above the challenges of adoption by itself). I'm not saying that it's not worth it to do this. Just that I feel people should really think hard about it and be sure that they want to open themselves up to those challenges.
And let's face it. My husband and I are as white as white can be. The blog Stuff White People Like is us 100%. All of the reading I have done says that you should seek out communities and events where the child's race is the majority. We live in the deep south and as awful as it sounds, it's still pretty segregated around here. My high school was about 96% white. When I went there, they were actually still busing students in as part of a desegregation order. There is also my family to consider. As much as I hate to say it, a lot of my extended family is pretty openly racist. I don't keep in contact with them because of this, but they are at family gatherings during the holidays. And then there's my dad. He's said some pretty awful things too when it comes to race. Sure, I could just avoid these people all together, but it's really not that easy.
Who knows? In the end, we might change our minds and end up with a child of another race. If that happens, I will do everything in my power to help that child feel loved, like they belong and that there is nothing wrong with them or their family because it is different from the norm. But as of right now we are not there.
3 comments:
I'm sure writing this posts wasn't easy for you. And although I have not gone through the adoption process, I can only imagine how hard it is to answer all those questions.
I've known people who have adopted within their race and people who have adopted outside of their race. And I don't think anyone does it out of racism. It's all what they are comfortable/happy with.
At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for your family. People will have their opinions and won't hesitate to share it with you, but just remember that YOU (and your hubby) are raising the baby so other people's opinions don't matter!
Good luck!
I cannot fault you. There are so many factors to consider. I have a friend who adopted a biracial baby. They live in a town that is almost entirely white (almost entirely of the same ethnic group & religion as well). If they lived where I do, it wouldn't be such a big deal, but I know it's been difficult for their daughter.
I completely understand. The South is a hard place to successfully raise a different-than-you-race baby. I would have made the exact same decision in your shoes - unfortunately, the world is just a complicated place.
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