It seems like all I talk about now is therapy, but since we're not doing treatments or pursuing adoption yet, that's really all that's going on.
Tuesday was my fourth session. I thought I would finally get through a session without crying. I was good until the last ten minutes. When thinking about what was bothering me lately, I told the therapist that I'm frustrated that people seem to be pushing us and asking what our next move is. My MIL keeps offering money and when not offering money, she makes statements such as, "I just know that god has a child in mind just for you".
While I know she is being helpful in her own way, it bothers me. What if there isn't a child for me? What if I'm destined to be childless? People act as if those without children are second-class citizens. Most of the support groups for infertility focus on treatments or adoption. There is hardly any support for people who have failed in treatments and decided that enough is enough. They don't want to go on further. They don't want to spend more money.
I'm not saying that we will be childless forever. More than likely we will adopt. But not right now. I've got to get myself in order. I want to just live. Focus on me. Our relationship. My career. I'm still relatively young, so we have time. Plus, it's expensive and we're kind of tapped out right now (monetarily and emotionally).
So, my therapist suggested I focus on how I felt when I told my mother that I couldn't go to my sister-in-law's baby shower. I felt empowered. Like I was doing something for myself. Sure, people might get mad at me, but they'll get over it. So when my MIL (or anyone else) offers us money or any of her "advice" I'm going to nicely tell her what I need from her (hint: it's not offers of money or reassurances that god had a plan for me). I don't know how that will go over. But I need to start standing up for myself. No one else will do it for me.
17 comments:
I LOVE this post. I agree- what about those of us who are done w/ ART but not ready (if ever?) for adoption? Thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts of yours with us :)
You go girl. Way to empower yourself! Like you said, they will get over it.
Sounds like an awesome plan!
When I discussed some of our plans with my mom the other day she said, "why dont you just use your sisters eggs??? Thats better than ADOPTION.." I was really ticked off. I wish I would have said something back. I just let it slide.
I'm glad that you are feeling empowered and are doing things for yourself. You deserve it.
Happy ICLW!
I know exactly how you feel as I've been there myself. It's so annoying when everyone else thinks they know what to do to "fix" your situation, or what you should do to fix it yourself. Right now you don't need any "fixing", right? Focus on yourself. You know what you need. Thanks for commenting on my blog! :o)
@Rach, what??? I don't know you or your mom and I'm completely ticked off by her comment... My mom is the proud author of some stupid - for lack of a better word - comments herself. I can handle the comments when they come from strangers, but they just hurt when they come from my loved ones...
Good for you for doing for you and standing up for yourself!! So empowering! Happy ICLW! (#45 & 46)
I'm living vicariously through your therapy sessions. My best friend is working towards being a therapist and she's been bugging me to go. I'm not ready for that, because like you, I'm a crier. Right now, I just don't want to go there. I know I need it though. I was especially touched by what your therapist said last week about how just like we don't deserve being infertile, those who are fertile don't really deserve that either. That's really been on my mind, and made jealousy a little bit easier to deal with. Keep posting!
I am sorry that your MIL has been less than helpful. My MIL also makes comments about how she "believes in miracles" and "knows we will get a baby". I get how comments like that are meant to be encouraging, but sometimes they just suck. I am glad that you have a plan to empower yourself and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
*ICLW #166 Bethanie*
I did some therapy last year too. I hope that you can begin to feel better soon.
Good for you! Stand up for yourself. I surely can't do that right now. I think I'm in the denial stage. I've never been able to openly admit to a person outside of the blogging world that I'm bummed that I don't have a baby yet- I just shrug my shoulders when they ask me about it. So good for you!
Happy Blogging!
Happy ICLW!
And you must use your voice, always always always. It is the only way to not lose yourself in this craziness.
Talking about it helps, maybe not straight away but eventually getting it out does.
ICLW
#41
http://www.themissruby.blogspot.com/
~ttc for 11 years
~8 miscarriages
~still chasing that elusive viable bubba
What a great post! I have also had to stand up for myself recently and it does feel good to feel like I am in control of some part of my life finally. My therapist actually told me that I seem lighter now that I have made this decision. Kuddos to you!
We've also had to face the constant questions about what are we doing next. We've been at this for so long that it has defined me. Hoping to get off this roller coaster after one final FET. I am starting to feel that enough is enough too!
Good for you! The first and most important thing in this long, complicated journey we take to become parents or make the decision to live child-free is to take care of yourself. If you are not at a good place emotionally, you'll never survive this journey. Concentrate on getting where you feel you need to be right now. Then, and only then, you can focus on where you want to go.
~ICLW~
#177
I do want to say that you are absolutely not a second class citizen! But I know there are people out there who make it feel that way.
I've found that, like you, it's important to find your own answers. And for me, it has been very important to find my own glue for everything that has been shattered in my life the last year. I've been going to therapy as well, which has been a great help.
For me, I really just stopped talking about all of this with anyone I know because they frankly don't get it. At all. And, I found that advice from someone that hasn't been there isn't so helpful even though the good intention is there.
And, well, anytime someone says "God" and "plan" together it's nearly always a sentence that makes me angry. In my experience whoever uses those words together have never had all their dreams shattered. But I guess I'm still working on my own anger. :P
Great Post!
ICLW
I can so relate to this post. I am so tired of hearing people say "God has a plan for you" or "God is leading you to your baby" or "it will all be worth it in the end." Will it really be worth it in the end? Because in the thick of things it does NOT feel like that at all. We are in the process of adopting, so I finally feel like maybe it *will* "work out." But it hasn't be an easy road to get to this point and I hate it when people minimize that. As if getting to this point was about "just" adopting or "just" doing IVF. There is no "just" in IF/adoption.
I decided a year ago that I need to do what *I* need to do right now and not worry about who might be pissed off because of it. As you know, sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other takes massive effort. So you just do what you have to do and not feel too guilty over it. And standing up for myself felt pretty good!
Best wishes!
ICLW
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