It's infuriating to hear, but I think it is so hard to hear because I feel that it's true. I AM missing out on something fundamental to human life and there's nothing I can do about it.
I read a friend's blog post today and something she wrote hit me and brought all of these thoughts back to the forefront of my brain. She was talking about her beliefs and how she's gone from a (christian) believer to angry atheist, to agnostic, and now back to some kind of belief although not near what she believed when she was younger.
When describing events in her life that have led her to believe that there is something else out there she wrote this:
birth. i don't know how anyone who has had a natural birth can believe that there is nothing greater out there. that this is all random. i say natural birth cause i, personally, didn't have any great revelations while hooked up to a bunch of monitors and beeping machines, surrounded by people in scrubs and white coats poking me with stuff. i felt much further from god actually. anyway, having witnessed many births now and having had 2 natural births of my own, i started to believe that there must be something greater.
Punch to the gut, right there. And I know that she would never write that with the intention of making me feel inferior. She has actually been one of my most supportive if not the most supportive friend after all that we've been through IF-wise. But it still hurts. I still feel like I'm standing on the outside of some elite club.
It might also bother me so much because so often I struggle with believing that there is anything else out there. So many shitty things happen, seemingly for no reason. "Shit happens" seems to be my motto lately. And I'm not just talking about myself and our inability to have children. Children are abused, children die. I just can't find meaning in those things. And this is what separates me from my friend. She became close with someone after her two year old daughter died. She said that after that happened, she couldn't imagine the child just no longer existing and could not believe that one day her mother would not be reunited with her child. I see that same situation and struggle to imagine that there is some greater purpose. And one of the reasons she sees the greater purpose is because of her own children. Something I don't have.
5 comments:
I fully agree that it is infuriating when someone tells me that I don't know love yet, because I haven't given birth. Like the love I've felt for the people in my life is somehow fake love.
I really hope there is a greater purpose to the crap that goes on in the world. Sorry you were feeling inferior.
All that stuff makes me angry too. I don't get it. Its not fair and I don't see the "greater plan" yet. Not sure that I ever will. I have to believe that there is one though.
It doesn't make any sense to me either. It makes me angry too. I will never understand why some people are blessed with children when they shouldn't by. Why they can have kids when those of us who would love them and care for them can't, or have a difficult time getting or staying pregnant. I will never understand that, and I don't think God will ever be able to explain it to me in a way that will take away my hurt and anger. It seems senseless and cruel. I have always said, I just don't understand.
I accidentally came across an infertile in a food court not far from my home a few months ago and she was telling me (because my mum loves to tell everyone that my son is a DE baby) how she witnessed a mother throw a hot cup of coffee in a child's face. The woman was arrested thank goodness but the woman dealing with infertility had to go home for the afternoon and cry her eyes out for the injustice in the world.
It is very hard to find the meaning in that. I am so very sorry that you feel hurt by someone who has been so supportive of you - basically, it sucks balls, I cannot say it any more plainly than that.
ICLW
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