It's that time of the month - therapy!

Four weeks into my new job and it's time for my monthly therapy session.  As a reminder, I'm going once a month in preparation for our frozen embryo transfer early next year.  I'm trying to get in shape physically and mentally beforehand.

We spoke about my new job and how my stress levels were compared to my old one.  She asked me what stressed me the most right now.  I couldn't come up with anything.  I'm sure I have stress, but compared to the hell I was living in, it's nothing I can't deal with.  The main thing that stresses me is when I think back to the old job.

I told her two specific examples:  My old boss dragged his feet when he walked.  When he came up behind me at my desk I could hear his shoes scuffing on the carpet.  I learned to dread that sound.  On my first week in the new job, I heard that old familiar scuffing sound.  I'm still working in the same building, but now I'm on the 17th floor instead of the 11th floor.  He has no reason to be on my new floor, but as soon as I heard that sound I had a physical reaction.  My heart started pounding and I started sweating.

The other thing was a dream I had a few nights ago.  My old boss went on vacation the week I started the new job.  He was out of the country for two weeks.  The night before he was due back to work I dreamed that he and I rode the same elevator and somehow he dragged me back to my old office and forced me to work.  It was awful.

My counselor asked if he reminded me of anyone in my past.  She was trying to figure out why he had such a hold on me.  Why he struck such fear in me and just crippled me.  I couldn't think of anyone that he reminded me of.  In the end, it came down to me feeling like he was holding me down career-wise.  There were so many others who were hired after me and left before me, all the while I was actively looking for a new job.  He has a reputation around the bank, everyone knows how bad it is to work for him.  I've never had great self-esteem and he was just crushing it little by little.  The more time I was stuck with him, the more job interviews that I went on with no job offers, it killed me a little inside over time.  I felt like I was going to be stuck there until I could retire.  Realistically, I knew that wouldn't happen, but emotionally I felt trapped.  He was also a boss who didn't tolerate any kind of mistakes and I would dread telling him when I screwed something up.

After that discussion we did a couple of EMDR sessions and talked about what I can learn from this experience.  We compared my old office to the new one, and how I now know that I will never be stuck in a bad situation because I know that I am strong enough to get out of it.  My new boss has already shown that she understands that people make mistakes.  You find them, fix them and go on.  We're all human and can't be perfect all the time.

It was a good session.  We didn't speak of anything related to infertility, but that's ok.  IF isn't the only thing in my life.  I'm fucked up in other ways too.  :)