For the past couple of weeks I have been feeling "off".  I've been super sleepy and have been having bouts of dizziness.  Along with that, I've been having super vivid dreams.  I thought I might be getting sick, but I didn't really feel sick.  I finally put it all together today and realized what's happening.  No I'm not pregnant.  I've been tapering my antidepressant and have been totally off of them for about a week now.  I was out of refills and felt like it was time to get off of them.  Apparently I'm going through SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome.  It kind of sucks, but at least I know what's causing it.  From what I've read, it can last from 1-7 weeks.  Going on week 2 right now.  
 Following up on my last post about the book I read, I finally emailed the author and asked what her inspiration was for the storyline of the infertile friend.  Here is what she replied with:

Until you mentioned this, I don’t think I realized that I had any connection to Inka’s deep desire for children.  That is the way of writing sometimes, we voice unconsciously things that are hidden in us and I count it a great gift when someone sees something in my writing that I did not realize was there, as you have done.

For most of the first few decades of my life, I did not want children, primarily because I didn’t want to be “trapped” in the role of mother/house-keeper/cook/chauffer.   I also never had any particular attraction to babies, although I related well to children when they were at the talking age and delighted in them and their unique perspectives.  In that, I think I was more like Na’amah before she became pregnant.  On the other hand, I always had this seemingly contradictory notion that should I “accidentally” become pregnant, I would have the child and be the best mother on the planet!  Go figure.

 Sometime in my second marriage I decided I wanted children, but had a large fibroid tumor that was not.  Nevertheless, I pursued it in various ways, but then went into early pre-menopause; husband did not want to adopt, so I have remained childless, though I’ve helped raise step-children and am now a grandmother to their children.

On a literary level (as opposed to a subconscious one) I think perhaps Inka’s desire for children was a polar reflection of Na’amah’s feelings.  I think the love that bound the two of them allowed Inka to find peace in helping to raise Na’amah’s children and in some ways was probably more able to be a good mother/role model for them.  I’m sure that they loved her as much as they did Na’amah because Na’amah would not have been jealous of that and would have encouraged it (unfortunately, not my experience with my step-children).

Perhaps more than you desired to know.

I'm so glad I wrote to her!


My period started last weekend so we have officially delayed the IVF process (I was supposed to go back to the doctor when my period started.  At this point, I don't know how long we will put it off, but I am feeling much calmer about it.  Work is crazy and it's just not the time to add IVF to the mix.  We only get one more shot so we're going to do it at a time when stress is at a minimum.