What is it about the new year and pregnancy announcements? Three in the past week! All on facebook of course. I can tell that I'm off the lex.apro. I had gotten to a point where pregnancy announcements didn't bother me, but apparently it was the medication talking. Each new announcement is like a punch in the stomach. Literally, I feel it in my gut. It takes a few days for me to stop constantly thinking about it.
A question was posed on Prompt-ly recently that got me thinking: Are you happy to leave this year behind or more excited at the prospect of the oncoming year?
That's a hard one. Last year that would have been easy to answer. After two failed IVF cycles this was what I said in my first post of 2011:
It's the first day of 2011 and I am welcoming it with open arms. The last two years have been kind of shitty. This year is a bit different in that we're not currently seeking treatment or doing anything to change our childless status. I have hopes for this year that I didn't have last year.
I did a lot of healing this past year. I started living again knowing that our frozen embryo was out there waiting for us, but there was no pressure. I got out of a miserable job and got a new one that I actually enjoy, working with people who are pleasant to be around.
Now that 2012 is here, we're gearing up for our frozen embryo transfer. It's happening in May, which means we go back to the doctor in March to get the ball rolling. That's three months away! Someone commented to me the other day that I must be so excited and counting down the days until May and our transfer. Not so much. I'm kind of ambivalent about the whole thing.
Like it or not, our fate will be decided come May. This is it. Either it will work or it won't. We're done after this. No more treatments. No adoption. No kids. I don't know how I should feel about this. I'm so conflicted. On the one hand, this past year has been so nice. I've gotten back into living and have actually enjoyed myself. I've reconnected with friends. I've started some of my old hobbies. I feel like I'm experiencing life again, rather than enduring it. If I get pregnant everything will change. Yes, it's something I've wanted for a long time, but still a change. Sometimes I find myself wondering why we're doing this. We are happy now. The best we've been in a long time. It took a lot of hard work to get to that point. So why would we want to mess that up? And then I get that unexpected pregnancy announcement and it hits me. I feel that hole in my heart that seems like it will never be filled.
So I don't know if I'm happy to leave this year behind. I don't know what the second half of this year will bring. Right now I'm in a good middle ground. The outcome of this transfer will either really good or really bad. I don't know if I want to go there yet. I haven't let myself even think of the possibility that the transfer is going to work. I just can't even go there right now.
2 comments:
Hello, I'm here from promptly.
I think the way you feel (or aren't sure that you feel) is totally understandable. You've found happiness, some semblance of happiness, and you don't want to lose that. The outcome of your transfer will dictate one huge part of your life, forever, and you have no control over that outcome. That is so hard to accept.
I hope that as your transfer gets closer you have a better handle on how you feel about it. And of course I hope the outcome is exactly what you want it to be.
Good luck.
Here from prompt-ly as well.
I haven't encountered any FB pregnancy announcements so far....I am not sure if the New Year's is a general ho-ho-ho in the conception department, but that's that.
What you say about your break-year (2011) is what I understand well. I have taken these kind of breaks myself...sometimes they are all that can help preserve some sanity. And I also hear you on your emotions about the upcoming FET cycle.
For a while it looks like the ray of hope that keeps you going, and then it suddenly is the test of whether it would be the slated ray of hope or not.
On one hand, one wants to give it a try. One the other hand, one wants to stay put and not lose out on/disrupt the only thing that has kept one afloat over the past year or so.
Either ways, it is a tough call.
Good Luck.
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