I'm not pregnant. I just know it. Official results aren't in yet, but I just have a feeling. I went in this morning and the woman drawing my blood asked if I cheated and took a home test. I lied and said no. She told me that was good, because it's too early to show up on a home test. But I know that's not true. Yes, there's still a small chance that I could be pregnant and there's not enough hcg to show up on the pee stick, but it's a small chance.
And as I was checking out they told me we have a bill of $654.50 for the freezing of our lone embryo that made it. We should have expected that, but we were so wrapped up in the cycle that we didn't even think we would have to pay that much for freezing. We didn't expect to have anything to freeze. So one more bill, one more punch to the gut. Paying for something that will probably result in nothing.
I'm so sure that this didn't work that yesterday I had deli meat on my sandwich and an iced coffee (*gasp* caffeine AND listeria!). I spent the day yesterday thinking of positives of never having children. I can start marathon training again. Eric can get his mid-life crisis sports car. We can travel. We can buy a house without worrying about school zones.
Eric brought up the A word yesterday. Adoption. Previously this hasn't been on the radar. It still isn't for me. We've spent over $20,000 to end up with nothing, how the hell can we afford to adopt now?
So now I'm at work. Waiting on the phone call to tell me that IVF #2 didn't work. I'm going to let it go to voicemail. Even though I'm expecting it, I know I'll cry when I get the official news. Bah.
6 comments:
Thinking about you today, and praying that you'll be okay with whatever the outcome is... and still hoping for your gut to be wrong, and for it to be your long-awaited BFP.
Do whatever you can to distract yourself or pamper yourself today--no matter what, you deserve it.
Here's hoping this is a situation where your instincts are wrong. I am really truly holding out hope for you. Regardless of the outcome, I am sending all the good vibes I can spare in your direction...
I will be thinking of you...
I am hoping and praying that you have a BFP to celebrate.
xo
Aw, I hope it's good news. Keep us posted.
I'm not even to stims and I'm already making up my "childfree bucket list." Not sure why, I guess I feel it will lessen the blow if this whole thing doesn't work.
Our clinic made us pay for freezing and storage up front. I was a little annoyed with that!
Thinking of you today. We're all praying for you and will be here, no matter what the news!
I'm here from AIC, and after getting an IVF BFN a few weeks ago, I stand behind you in letting it go to voicemail. Since then, we have also tried to embrace all the positives of not having kids in the near future, and I think I have nearly overdosed on hazlenut coffee since my BFN. Will be thinking of you today (HUG)
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