It's been almost a week since my last post. I don't really have anything to post about since we're not doing treatments anymore. I think I'm depressed. I'm in a daze most of the time. I don't really care about a lot of things anymore. I've been drinking way more alcohol than I normally do. Normally, I drink once every three months. I've drank almost every night since the negative beta. Only one or two beers, but still. (I've also taken a couple of lort.ab on the nights that I don't drink. Don't worry, I don't need an intervention. Yet.
I go to work, go home, sleep, and then repeat the next day. I have an internal debate going on in my head constantly. One minute I want to go start the adoption procedure immediately, the next I am satisfied with the thought of never having children. I can't make up my mind.
I went to my monthly bookclub meeting last night. One of the women just had a baby a month ago. She brought him last night so everyone could meet him. Amazingly, I didn't cry. I had to tell everyone that the IVF didn't work. The baby was adorable, but watching her with him was like a knife in my heart. I feel like my spirit is crushed. I don't know if I'll ever get over this.
Christmas this year is going to suck. My SIL's baby is due a couple of weeks before Christmas. Maybe I can talk Eric into going out of town just the two of us for Christmas.
9 comments:
Take your time, soon enough you'll be able to move in the direction that feels right for you. It may not happen today, this week, month or even this year, but things will look brighter one day.
Going away for Christmas seems like a nice break, but maybe you need something sooner than that. A weekend get-away just the two of you?
Thinking of you and sending lots of warm hugs.
I can imagine how difficult it is right now. Thinking of you.
It is funny that you mention the drinking- I have also been "enjoying" something every day which is way more than normal (especially comapred to the zero alcohol I drank while on folistim). But it sure is nice to have a glass of wine or a beer with dinner after not getting to have that for so long.
I can't imagine having to deal with that baby during your bookclub. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, because I think I would have faked diahhrea or something to get the heck out of there!
I say that it is totally fine to give yourself time to waffle back and forth (and all around) about what to do next. I think it's hard for those of us who've been to the brink to settle back to doing nothing because there was SO much involved in what we were doing before. We are so much enjoying doing nothing, and while I do actually think we had decent timing (but total estimation- I didn't do any sort of temping/monitoring this time), ignorance is bliss right now.
Keep your chin up ;-) And cheers to you (I'm about to open a new bottle of wine, want a glass?)- drinks and a romp in the hay work for everyone else- maybe it's time it worked for us, too!
I really hate that you are having to go through all of this and I can't imagine being able to go through the holidays and still have a sane head when it is over and done with. I think you and Eric really should do a get away. Find somewhere you haven't gone before and just have time to really reconnect and get ready for the new year.
Thinking of you and Eric and sending happy thoughts and vibes.
*hugs* I am so sorry your having a tough time. Sometimes we just have to wallow in our sadness and then we come out the other side. Just be careful you don't do too much wallowing.
I'm so sorry. I seriously think I would have run from the book club baby, and I really hope you can just do a Christmas getaway instead of having to cope with your SIL's new kiddo. My entire family was on intense babywatch last week for my cousin who gave birth exactly 11 months after getting married (!), and there was just no way to dissuade them all from giving me constant updates that were so hard for me to hear. All of this is just so hard. Be gentle with yourself, and in time I do think the right next steps for you will become clear. Thinking of you.
Oh this post made me so worried for you! Keep an eye on the depression. I've been there (for different reasons) and it's not fun. Did the clinic have any counselling or anything they could offer you? Thinking of you. Hugs.
Hang in there...I recently went through a semi-depressed period. Its hard. Its even harder when nothing seems to matter, and you don't feel like yourself. You'll come back. Just give yourself time.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. It is not easy at all to go through all this. I hope and pray that you will be able to bounce back to your old self.
I hope you and your DH can take a weekend getaway and spend quality time together. ((Hugs))
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