I met with the counselor again today, again over my lunch break. We did some visualization exercises and then a relaxation exercise. She had me go back to thinking about the time when we were doing the meds and procedures. She asked what emotion was the strongest when I thought back to that time. My answer was tension. I said that I didn't even know if that was an emotion, but that's the overwhelming feeling I get. Along with sadness, despair, anger, etc, but tension (along with anxiety) is the big one. She then asked where I felt it in my body. I feel it in my stomach, neck and shoulders. Then we did a relaxation exercise. I felt a tiny bit relaxed after, but now, fours hours after my appointment, I feel more tense than I did before. Right now our main goal is working on getting the tension out of my life, no matter which way we decide to go (adoption, child-free, more procedures). It's invading every part of my life. I was reading last night before going to bed and the book was getting to a juicy part where there was lots going on. I found myself physically reacting to the book. My heart rate picked up and I could feel my shoulders tensing up involuntarily. I had to put the book down because I just couldn't read anymore.
So how are things besides therapy?
I'm on week 2 of the vegan diet. Dinner last night was stuffed eggplant and it was surprisingly good. I think next time, I'll just cut up the whole eggplant and saute the stuffing all together and just eat it that way. The recipe called for parmesan cheese as a topping. I substituted nutritional yeast and didn't miss the cheese at all.
Today was day 2 of my P90X workout program. Yesterday was core and today was cardio. I'm waking up at 4:45 am so that I can do it before work. There's no way I could workout at home every day after work. My legs are pretty sore today. The cardio had a lot of yoga, mainly in different variations of warrior pose, and my legs are feeling it. I can't even sit down in my chair properly, I kind of have to fall down into it. It will be worth it if I can stick with it though.
5 comments:
that is so awesome that your eating so well and fitting in the exercise. Great job. I hope therapy continues to be as helpful.
I remember when I started seeing a counselor I walked out of my second session feeling worse than I went in. I felt like I had opened up more issues than I had resolved. I told her about that at my next session, and she told me that is a symptom of PTSD. I don't think people realize that infertility CAN and DOES cause PTSD. Basically you opened up wounds and feelings you had repressed, and now instead of shoving them way down inside, you are getting them out in the open and dealing with them so that you can move on from them. It took me a couple sessions to realize that sometimes you take one step forward and two steps back to make progress.
I am so glad you decided to see a counsellor, I really hope it helps. I went for counselling a while back, and there was never any major "aha!" moment, rather just a new way of thinking about things, that gradually sank in over several years.
Love eggplant! Have you tried moussaka?
And getting up before 5am? To workout? YOU. ARE. AMAZING!! :)
When I started counselling I would walk out of there in a daze. I couldn't remember a thing that went on during the session. It was so weird. It was if my subconscious was blocking it out. Later, I was able to look at those blind-spots and all the other dark crevises of my mind/past.
P90X - Great program. One word of advice: take it easy the first week. I jacked up my shoulder with all the pushups and haven't been back to it since (plus, I'm in my 2WW). Again, it's a great workout, but modify and take it easy at first!!
Still think it's awesome that you're seeing a therapist--that you're taking that step for YOU and talking thru things with a licensed professional. Bravo!
More mad props for you for pursuing diet and exercise changes... wish I had that eggplant recipe!
My DH does P90X--he's in love with it, and it definitely has made a noticeable difference in his muscle tone. I did the videos with him for a while, 'til my most recent IVF round (now I'm limited to 'light activity' only, bleh!), and really liked it.
Well done you, for taking control of these areas of your life, and focusing on being healthy! Now just be sure and do it in moderation-- no overdoing it and burning yourself out! :)
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