But I am pissed off.
I'm pissed that we paid over $20,000 and have nothing to show for it.
I'm pissed that we've wasted two years of our lives on this.
I'm pissed that certain skanks I know can pop out kids every other year like it's nothing.
I'm pissed that insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments. Not like it matters since our treatments didn't work.
I'm pissed that my MIL emailed and said that when god closes a door he opens a window and I need to KEEP THE FAITH!
I'm pissed at how angry and bitter I've become.
I'm pissed at the twenty pounds I've gained.
I'm pissed at ignorant people and their stupid comments. Just relax. You need a vacation. Why don't you JUST adopt?
I'm pissed that I will never get to experience birth. I'm even one of those freaks that WANTS to experience the full thing and not get an epidural.
I could go on and on. I am so freaking mad right now.
I am happy about one thing though. I'm happy that Eric came home early today and cleaned the whole house. He got rid of all the meds and needles so I wouldn't have to see them when I got home from work. He brought home a pizza, beer, chocolate and flowers.
The drive home from work today was interesting. I held back tears all day long and when I got in the car they finally came. Sobbing. I'm talking, snotty, gasping for breath, body shaking, face-contorting, uncontrollable sobbing. But it would stop every few minutes and then start back up. I feel like I've been beaten up. Going to bed early tonight. At least tomorrow is Friday.
15 comments:
I'm gonna be right there with ya if ours fails. What a sweet husband, that was nice of him. You do still have one frozen embryo though right? Not that you really want to think of another cycle at the moment.
You have a good guy there! The last thing you want to hear are the inevitable "just relax" blah blah blah blah.
Sometimes someone just needs to say that it sucks. And it does and I'm really sorry.
What a wonderful husband you have!! And you haven't offended anyone (your blog=your thoughts)! I don't know what to say, but it sucks and I am so sorry.
Yell all you want. Kick something too. Or punch.
It's not fair. None of it is.
Be thankful you have a wonderful husband. But you're still allowed to be angry.
Lots of love!
What you are going through sucks so much and I hate that you and Eric have to go through this. I can't imagine the heartache you are feeling.
I think you have every right to be pissed. I would be so incredibly angry were I in your shoes, especially at the MIL comments. WTF. I wish people had the foggiest effin' clue exactly how UN-helpful that statement is. And yeah, don't get me started on the "all you need is a vacation" bit. Really? A month in Germany last year didn't do it for us, but then again, how, exactly, is a change of location supposed to resolve my husband's dwindling sperm count? A$$holes...
The upside, of course, is that you have a stellar human being for a husband. Pizza, beer, chocolate and flowers may not substitute for a pregnancy, but having someone in your life who knows that such things may act as a temporary salve to the superficial parts of those deeper wounds? Well, that's pretty awesome. And he cleaned, too. Good man.
I wish I had better things to say at this point, but all I can think to do is to send some peace vibes your way as you begin to deal with this awful cycle. I am just so sorry.
I am right there with you as far as wanting to experience natural birth without an epidural! I don't care if it hurts!!
I'm so sorry about the BFN- it has been less than a month since we got the same news. We had no frozen embies, and we had only saved enough for one IVF, so it was kind of a final frontier for us- and since then we have really tried to go back to the "olden times" when we weren't even trying. I have to say it has been nice to kick back with a beer on the deck. Not that I am a huge drinker, but I think it's just symbolic of what we had given up for the last 6 months of our life, and how we hope to arrange our life now that we're done with treatments (for now?).
I've added you to my blogroll- am looking forward to keeping up with you and supporting each other!
Every single thing you said are exact thoughts and emotions that I have as well after having gone through all Jason and I have. It's almost impossible to bear. Hang in there. And don't apologize for being pissed. You have every right to feel that way. It's not fair. Enjoy the heck out of that beer. :)
I completely relate. After two failed IVF's, I am also pissed at everything and everyone. Including my MIL, who also told me to have faith! Seriously! She has absolutely no clue what we're going through.
(Also, I cry in the car too! After holding it in all day at work sometimes the tears just flow while I'm driving home. I feel ridiculous, like the other drivers are all watching me.)
(((((( hugs )))))))
It IS unfair. I don't understand it either, and I never will. I have every intention of asking God, "Why?" when I go to meet him. It makes me angry too. Angry for you, for me, and every other woman who is fighting this fight with us. Why do we have to go through so much only to be denied when crack whores pop out unwanted babies like it's no one's business.
I hear you, and I am so angry with you. I won't understand it in this life, and I may not understand it in the next.
I am glad your husband did something so sweet. Mine wouldn't have, as sweet as he is. Find peace in your husband's love for now.
*hugs*
I am so so very sorry about the BFN... I hate that for you. It is crazy how fierce the emotions are that come of this, isn't it? The uncontrollable anger, envy, sadness, bitterness, resentment, despair---all the bad stuff, really. And the processes itself, the endless cycles that take your emotions on a rollercoaster ride, that make it so very hard to have the courage to risk your heart to hope yet again...
I know that you will be greiving this negative for a while, and who knows how long it will take you to recover from the sharpness of the pain... but I am hoping and praying for you that you make it to the other side--to the place where you can risk hope again.
Your post made me think of one of the Psalms, when the psalmist was crying out to God through their anguish and pain..
13:1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my (infertility) triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my (infertility) will say, "I have overcome (her)," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,for he has been good to me.
I find it inspiring (and on some days, pretty incredible) that, despite the pain that you can feel in the psalmist's words, he was still able to hold on to his faith, and thank God in spite of his circumstances.
Praying that you and I can do the same--even on the hard days.
big hug~
Brandy, I'm pissed off for you too. I'm pissed off for me. I'm pissed off for all of us.
I try to be strong and put on a happy face, but this week, as I've started my period for the first time after my D&C. I've been very pissed off. In fact, so pissed that I keep wishing bad things on people who don't feel our pain. I want everyone to have to experience the pain, hurt, heartache, and grief that we have to deal with every day of our lives. I know that's not good, but hey, it's how I feel.
Are you coming Monday?
Oh that's not fair! THAT'S NOT FAIR! I'm so sorry for both of you. :(
Big hugs.
I'm pissed for you too. This is all a bunch of bullshit and I am so sorry. I hope you enjoyed the hell out of the beer!
::giant hugs::
You have ever right to be angry, don't need to apologize.
I'm glad your hubby was there to love and support you.
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