While all of this infertility stuff sucks, for some reason it feels right that I'm here. I have always suspected that I would need help getting pregnant. Always. And I had no reason to think that. My parents had four children with no problems. I didn't really know anyone who had trouble getting pregnant. I had regular periods too. I don't know where those thoughts came from. Maybe just really good intuition?
When we started ttc'ing I was excited the first month. I had read Taking Charge of Your Fertility and scoured forums online. I knew everything there was to know about getting pregnant. But it was no surprise to me when my period came right on time.
Months went by and still not pregnant. I began to think seriously that there was a problem. I would read blogs of people who had gone through IVF. I just knew that we would be skipping IUI and going straight to IVF. Even before I knew for sure what our problems were.
I charted religiously and realized that I had a luteal phase defect. Aha! That's the problem. I just need to get that taken care of and everything will be fixed! So I went to my gynecologist armed with my charts and my head full of ino. He brushed me off. He said that a true luteal phase defect is very rare and that I probably didn't have it.
DH went to a urologist because we wanted to rule him out as a problem before we went to an RE. It was just a formality. He was convinced that I was the problem too. I run a lot and had just run a marathon so he thought it was the running throwing my system out of whack. What a punch in the stomach it was to hear that he had an extremely low sperm count. I was devastated, but at the same time I was almost relieved. I wasn't the problem. And DH could finally related to what I had been feeling the whole time. He said that he felt broken, which was the exact same word I had used.
We thought IVF would be an easy fix. After all, I didn't have any problems, I'm young, ICSI can get around the low sperm count. But apparently, after this first round of IVF, we found out that I have a diminished ovarian reserve. For some reason, I'm running out of eggs way before I should. I'm only 28. I should have plenty! But no, my gut feeling had been right all along.
I wonder if we had tried years ago, would we still be in this situation? When did my egg numbers start to decline? We won't ever know, and that's frustrating.
Three days until my beta. I'm not feeling pregnant at all, but it's still early. I really can't imagine myself being pregnant. That's such a foreign concept to my brain. It seems like a miracle at all that anyone can get pregnant.
I really don't get it and I don't think I ever will. It sucks and it's unfair. But 'tis life I guess.
15 comments:
I felt the same way.. I always had a feeling I would have problems. Even though my parents said "Try?? When I asked how long, they said, we wanted a baby, so we had one." And my brother had a child in high school.
And I also believed testing DH was a formality. We are both broke (literally & figuratively)! Keeping my fingers crossed for your beta.
I always had a feeling too. My periods were irregular (it runs in the family), but I always knew it was going to take more for me. I also had a feeling about DH's issues too. DH told me he had a feeling too. I think we all, if we listen carefully, can hear our body telling us something.
I have begun to realize just how powerful intuition can be. It's amazing what you learn through infertility.
I am anxiously awaiting Wednesday and I'm keeping everything possible crossed for you.
I'm hoping for positive things for your beta. I'm sorry you have had so many issues with this.
I've been following,but haven't posted yet (I think), but I knew from the get go as well...and also knew that the results from testing would come back as all clear but still wouldn't explain anything. How annoying. Postive vibes for your beta!
It seems that most infertiles had a feeling from early on. I remember the first time I ever got my AF, I was so excited, yet I had this feeling I would still have a hard time getting pg.
It really does suck. The important thing is that we learn to play the hand we're dealt in life.
I will have you in my thoughts and prayers the next few days.
i felt exactly the same way. just always had a gut feeling it was going to be difficult but didnt really have a blaring reason as to why i thought that.
its crazy how much your gut knows!
I also had a gut feeling, and I have no idea why. Nothing in my life pointed to IF, yet there is was! Good luck, good luck on Wednesday! I didn't feel pregnant either, BTW :)
I was completely blindsided by our IF- I NEVER thought in a million years that this would affect us. I got AF late and remember worrying before she made her debut, but once she came, it never crossed my mind again.
But I can completely relate to your inability to imagine yourself pregnant- it is such an abstract concept to my mind. I got out of the shower this morning and looked at my hug, swollen belly (ready for ER tomorrow)- which looks like I"m definitely showing a baby pooch- and put my hands around it like pregnant women often do. Immediately I removed them- it felt so fake and weird. I hope we both have to adjust to the idea of being pregnant very very soon!!! GOOD LUCK for your beta! Fingers crossed...
I've always been fascinated by adoption since I was young... now I wonder if I knew something then. Our situation is so similar to yours, though I'm ten years older than you. We straight to IVF when my husband was diagnosed with very low sperm count and low motility, only to find out that my ovarian reserve is low as well. I was actually relieved after our 1st IVF didn't work that I too had an issue. My husband blamed himself for so long, and now we both had shared responsibility, though I always told him that baby making was OUR issue, no blame should be placed.
Good GOOD GOOD luck to you!!
Michele
http://btw-wedidnotjustrelax.blogspot.com/
Yep, I always had this sneaking suspicion as well...and just like you, really didn't really have any cause to suspect IF. I had regular periods and both of my siblings had children before me with no issue.
And I agree, it seems like a freaking miracle that anyone even gets pregnant.
Sending good thoughts your way for your beta! :)
Hi, I've been following your blog but had to comment on this post.
I remember saying to my friend when I was in primary school (approx 10 years old) that I wouldn't be able to have kids.
I started my periods when I was 12 and thought I was normal. I was always very very careful to not get pregnant as I knew I wasn't ready to have a baby when I was in my 20's.
Then my sister-in-law went through IVF twice, both times unsuccessful and I thought "that's going to be me" and those thoughts I had when younger came back.
I have recently been through IVF which failed and to be honest I wasn't surprised because like you, the thought that I could actually be pregnant and that my belly would grow big and round seemed alien to me too!
Infertiles do become mothers, I know they're just as surprised, but it does happen! Fingers crossed for your beta, I hope you become one soon x
http://infertilityandme.wordpress.com
I always thought it would be easy to get pregnant. Smug me of decades past. Now, with three more days of waiting at the tail end of this IVF cycle, I'm with you, I can't imagine being pregnant. And like other commentors, I have placed my ands on my big bloated stomach and tried to imagine it, only to recoil. "Don't jinx it!!"
In three days we'll know. Three days will go fast. Right? (trying to convince both of us)
Oh no, I often think that if I had only know I could have saved myself a lot of stress and worry and a few pregnancy tests in college.
But with my PCOS and the related irregular cycles we suspected long before we started trying that we would have some problems (I was on BCP throughout college so that knowledge didn't come until later!).
Popped over from the Crème de la Crème list. What an amazing story.
I'm sorry to hear your cycle failed. Putting in all that effort, and then still having it fail is very, very hard.
I hope 2010 brings better news.
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